The Best of Late Night

"Out in California, they recalled 143 million pounds of tainted beef. That’s one triple-stacked burger at Wendy’s. A hundred forty three million pounds of tainted beef! I believe that’s the largest amount of tainted meat since Roger Clemens."

-David Letterman



"John McCain seems reinvigorated. He has a new campaign slogan, 'he’ll lead you into the 21st century.' I like it better than his old slogan, 'he’ll lead you into assisted living.'"

-David Letterman



"Congratulations to the new nation of Kosovo. They gained their independence this week. Of course, President Bush was shocked when he heard this. He said, 'Independence? But we haven’t even invaded them yet.'"

-Jay Leno



"Cuban dictator Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down, ending five decades of rule. The biggest surprise is when Castro announced he’s going to retire in Miami."

-Conan O'Brien



"More bad news for Roger Clemens. Doctors keep finding more and more side effects from taking steroids. Now it turns out if you take them you may have trouble telling the truth."

-Jay Leno



"I want to get this off my chest: For the past 20 years, I have been using performance-enhancing vodka."

-David Letterman



"Fidel is being replaced by a younger, sexier Castro: his younger brother Raul. Is this even possible? Can you imagine a country run by one family for years and years and years? That could never happen here . . ."

-Craig Ferguson



"Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Texas. They’re really nervous over at the Hillary camp. To give you an idea how nervous she is, she showed up in a pantsuit and chaps. Last week in Wisconsin, she showed up in a cheese pantsuit."

-David Letterman



"This is weird: The band Abba is upset with John McCain. The band wants John McCain to stop using their song on his campaign route. When asked about it, John McCain said, 'Who cares about Abba? Kids today are into the Bee Gees.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"Steven Spielberg pulled out of the Beijing Olympics. He wasn’t competing or anything . . . he was the artistic adviser. He quit because of China’s poor record on human rights. Chinese officials were so upset they couldn’t torture anyone all week."

-Craig Ferguson



"Yesterday, Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down. He will be replaced by his brother Raul. According to the State Department, Raul is the Jim Belushi of Central America."

-Conan O'Brien

Out of the bushes come two guys John and George. They sit down, exhausted. Next come two gals, Laura and the other one. They sit down. They are sweating profusely. Here's their before picture: :drown: Here's the after picture: :huh: