Steven Wright

1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back.

3. Half the people you know are below average.

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

10. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

11. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

12. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

13. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

14. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

17. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

18. I intend to live forever..... so far, so good.

19. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

25. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

27. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

28. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

29. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

30. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

31. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

MORE CHUCKLE

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.


Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf .

Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!

This was my favorite: The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. :funny1:

Wild Dove wrote:

This was my favorite: The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. :funny1:

Well if that is the case, then my butt is the very best and closest friend I have ever had. No matter how many times I will it to -it just won't go away!

My favorite Steven Wright joke is,

"Someone broke into my house and replaced everything with an exact duplicate."

:laugh4:

I was looking for that emoticon with the kleenex box, couldn't find the kleenex! Looked for another emoticon holding on to his belly while laughing, falling head over heels down a grassy slope somewhere in the swiss cheese alps.....maybe a goat in the background (being since I'm an old mountain goat, thus do my best friends call me). My best friend is my buddha belly (that must be where a bellyfull of laughs come from---its all steven wright's fault!)