To all of those I've loved before...who traveled in and out

Please excuse the Willie parody!!!
To all the people who find themselves in the Twohawks nest...
I am going to relate to you a story of fact and my history in hopes that you will understand the energy that I seek to hold in my life and in my heart.
I will try to be as clear and consise with this story so as not to confuse anyone with the details.
the reason for telling this story is so that you will understand my position with the energy I would like to hold in this site and the intention of my actions or even lack there of...
I am not looking for a responce to this post only the respect of recognizing that this is me and what my life is about and has been about for decades. So here goes
When I was in my late teens, early twenties my whole life was about seeking the presence of the all, creator, God source, what ever you want to call it, that I could! Nothing else to me held the priority that this quest did.
I was brought a roman catholic and found early on that the religion for me held nothing but oddities that did not make sense to me at all. That being said, I began to seek other sources of understanding for what I knew in my heart to be a grander truer expression of the creator source in my life. I will admit that there were other reasons as well. I felt that in the messages I learned throughout childhood which were represented as the knowledge of Christ, that Human kind had indeed the inate ability to be as he was in this life. I still believe this to be true to this day.
This is not a God complex, as much as it was a desire to be the grandest expression of what I felt Gods "Will" to be. I could not find the support for that train of thought in the church so I began to look else where.
My desires took me on a path that began to incorperate eastern philosophy and a number of other philosophys as well.
I was a quick study and because I was like a sponge this attracted people in my life of like minded endevors. One of whom was very adept and who represented to me at that time, someone who had developed these incredible abilities through his own course of study.
I continued to fallow my nose as it were longing for the right tools to inhance my realationship with the All. Along the way I learned about the law of "cause and effect". I also learned that humility was a very advantageouse energy to hold in my heart while attempting to practice the principles of life I was becomming accustomed to. Most of these can be found in the book the Kabalion by the "three Iitiates" that I posted in the book thread, if you have any interest in perusing at your leasure.
Back to the story...I decided at the time that to hold these precepts as the formost thoughts of my consciouseness that I could somehow be closer to source and gain from the experiance, so I began a moment by moment exercise in relating everything that appeared before me in my daily waking life back to the precepts that had been introduced to me and in so doing began to produce thoughts that had, before then, escaped me. I started to see more clearly the inner workings of life in all things...I began to see more clearly where my thoughts would lead me astray from my innate desires. I began to recognize that there were no demons here to decieve me, save the ones of my own making!
It became clearer and clearer that our own personal thoughts, Which really aren't our own, rather they are energies floating through this field, we call manifest life, that we attach our ego to and by such act claim them as our own as if we ourselves created them.
At this point things began to get tricky, and by that I mean, If you've ever observed your personal thought processes, there is a new thought moment by moment. Each new moment offers an opportunity to accept or reject those energys as whether or not they reflect the energys of our innermost desires. The thought process becomes a consciouse act and as such has more far reaching effects and the stronger the intent behind the consciouse maintanence of this process the more precise the results of what we choose.
I began to see things from the perspective of a pendulum. Each new though carried an energy that swung the pendulum in one direction or the other as I attached my consciousness to the thought. By that I mean holding the thought for more than a moment or even acting on the thought in word and deed and in doing so the swing of the pendulum of energy was either pushed further along it's original path or the direction of energy was reversed and an opposing reflection began to take shape in the influences that insued.
This observation began a train of thought that if I were to position myself, ie. my consciouseness, at the appex of the pendulum of this process, my life could somehow have less extreme results from the causations I made, and the results would be more in line with the reality I sought to live and be the reflection of.
There were practices I was introduced to at the time which facilitated this effort. One of them was to alter instinctive body functions consciously...such as your breathing or blinking was another.
I had practiced controlled breathing for some time so I decided to use blinking as a tool.
I was sitting in a coffee shop with three friends one day simply drinking water and it had rained earlier on in the day. The rain had left drops of water on the window next to us and the sun was now out and shining bright. There was a beautiful ray of light that was gleaming through a drop of water on the glass of the window and the ray was hitting the table right in front of me. I thought, what a wonderful opportunity to try that blinking exercise, so I began to stare at the ray streaming through the droplet. I don't remember how long I did this for but I remember that the longer I did not allow myself to blink the more my eyes began to water and the more my eyes began to water the more I wanted to blink and the harder it became to refrain from doing so.
I continued the exercise not knowing what would fallow, only that I didn't feel complete in the expression of my will with this process.
I struggled for what seemed for a long time to hold this position and a very distinct emotion began to form in my physical body. It was one of utter joy and accomplishment, not one that was seeded by ego, but rather one that was seeded by expression of will within the self.
This emotion began to increase and along with it a new desire to stop my efforts and bask in the emotion, it was so over whelming. A thought in turn reminded my conscious that this was yet another distraction from continueing the exercises, so I took my thoughts back to the light and not blinking.
My friends began to notice my tears and asked why I was crying and all I could do was not answer and continue. I found it was difficult to speak.
Right about then an amazing thing occured.
Sitting there, eyes wide open, A second reality appeared. It was as though a parallel reality, which had been there all the time, made it's presence knowen to me, or I had just growen a second set of eyes capable of looking into a parallel reality at the same time my normal, physical eyes percieved this reality.
The expression of overwhelming joy I felt at this new discovery incapacitated me on a level that made it impossible to do the most menial of tasks...such as pay for the bill ...walk...speak...and since I drove there...me driving away from the place was out of the question.
The interesting thing that I saw was a plane of excistance that, as I looked and became more familar with, represented life on an atomic level...possibly even smaller... I saw vast space...not dark space ...rather a lighted space...with the occasional sphere floating through it...pearl essent sphere's.I questioned who or what these spheres were and it came to mind that it was us in our purest form. My perception began to alternate from the two realitys and it later grew harder to hold the clearity of this parallel reality as a distinct vision.
A couple of weeks passed and to no avil I could not repeat the results of the exercise, so I began to explore different options.
(I am going to continue this post as a second entry to this thread so as not to lose this info so far)

So after a couple of weeks had passed I took a different tac for continued growth in my endevors. I figured the first results were so asstounding that I was on the right track to increasing my knowledge and wisdom and in so doiung my goals were closer at hand.( little did I know)
One evening my friends and myself were sitting in the livingroom of the apartment I was sharing. We were ingulfed in listening to music and being in somewhat of a meditative mood I began to observe my thoughts again. It had been suggested to me that dance was a wonderful form of expression of energy and since I was not comfortable moving my body in public through dance yet, I decided that correographing a dance in my mind would suffice for this exercise.
So I began to do so using the shape of a diamond in my minds eye, which at the time I had not related to being opened in the previouse two weeks, duh! Anyway utilizing the diamond shape in my mind I began to step into each corner of the diamond turning the mental image of my body in a clockwise direction while rotating within the diamond in a counter clockwise direction. My breathing began to mimic the movements in my minds eye and as I moved toward the outer part of the diamond, or the part that seemed further away from my actual physical body...I would find myself exhaling...and as I moved closer in to my self I would inhale ...
this began a rythmacle progression of breath and mind. I continued this for a few moments and two thoughts were posed in my mind. The first thought being, this is representitive of perpetual motion, ie cause and effect. The second thought was posed as a question in my mind and the way I percieved the question being asked, because it came with a whole visual thing relating to my prior experiance, I took it to mean that all causations made be any individual at any time affected the free will others as an imposition or manipulation to their presence in some way, do "I" wish to continue being a party to this process. Now mind you, I felt truelly compelled out of respect and love for other beings not to create adverse influences to anyone, and by my perception of these truths being showen to me in the light or manner they had been I could not in all good consciounce answer yes... I did not feel I had the strength to function in a reality where every thought every word every action was in some way a threat to the free will or peace of others. In my mind I answered the question with a resounding No!!!
In that very instant I was pulled out of my physical body, out of this universe, out of the very law of cause and effect itself, or so it seemed. and left with nothing but Thought and the brief recognition that there was still my consciouseness even though no physical thing could be perceived.
Well needless to say this scared the Holy Crap out of me!!!
It is very hard to describe because, for one, there was no physical body to feel emotion from only the fact I was conscious. Next I thought of the stories of Christ. I noticed that no light of any kind was present and immediatly related Christ to Light!!!
My next thought was, and this was old thinking from my catholic days, was I had just given up my soul!!! Then went back to the thought of Christ was the light of all that is, and low and behold was just as quickly shot back into my body. This condition did not stay though. In fact for several weeks after it was as if my consciouseness was outside my body looking through a lens...in a way, seperated from reality by a thin vail that only I could sense. Actually I have to take that back.. I was no longer alone at least not in the sude sense we are here in this plane of exsistance there was a presence beyond all presence. I felt cradled by this presence even though there was no real thing to cradle, at least not in the sense we perceive reality, but there was still emotion like I had never experianced in my life or any other life for that matter. It was a love beyond all love, It was a knowingness beyond all knowingness it felt as though I was in the presence of the all, the creator, God. And yet even in this presence I could not let go of the harmful beliefs that I had somehow screwed up...I torcherd myself for years with this and I do mean years. I begged to have my old life back and struggled for years to accomplish this. I looked for answers in the most obvious places and could find none.
So I began to re-address some of the precepts that led me to this delema to begin with.. Over time the presence of the spirit faded with each new causation made in this world but never the memory of it.
I began to practice buddhism because it seemed to offer the most comfort in my search for understanding. In so doing I read a great deal about the law of cause and effect and began to see how it so completly permiated every aspect of this realm. In this realm there is no- thing outside the law. It is what binds us and connects us all, it is what creates the holographic realitys we each percieve as our lives. It is the universal judge and jury of all things and the great balancer of all that is...and we in this present state of beingness are as much a generator in this law as we are a recipient.
This folks is where I tie into this story the recent events that have befallen our fellowship with one another
We together have created this reality, All of us, Every last bleppin one us. Even those not present in the discussions have in some way influenced this reality we have chosen to be ours.
There has been much pain in the way we have treated one another and there have been voices of reason as well. It was my desire not to interfer with this from the onset of things because I had hoped, and still do, that as individuals we could move within ourselves and take responcibility for creating the kind of reality that fosters unity and harmony with one another and at the same time not infringe upon the free will of others in the process. I realize that in this world we have a system of governance and I understand there are those that in this world choose to inflict their will in nasty ways upon the lives of those around them. I have been guilty of this myself and by no means, am I a saint. I tried to take myself out of the equasion and try to find some balance in all this and it has lead me back here. The Nest!!!
The wondrful place Melissa started for me and for others and gifted me with the responcability of looking after.
I still believe that it is our intent and our desire and our actions reflecting such, that fosters the manifestation of positive energies and of the not so positive energies.
I ask you people, members of Twohawks nest, that responcability of the kind of place you would feel comfortable in become your primary thought when entering or posting here.
If you are comfortable being in and creating kaos then I ask that you make some place else your home. It is not the kind of reality I wish to create. It is my deepest desire to have all who find their way here feel welcome. I understand I can no longer stand in the side lines and allow hurtfull or vindictive energies to abound here and as such will take an active role in monitering and mantaining some assemblance of decorum. I'm not saying there can't be cival discorse and even the occasional emotional upheaval.
But I will be watching and so will Melissa and we have come to agreement on how to best serve this site.
When people register, there are terms one has to agree to to become a member. They were agreed to by all who joined and they will be met. While this is our site, these are the terms that were put in place by the people that host this site.
This goes for everyone here including myself...I do not wish to lose the wonderful post that have been offered here for the benifit of all and as such can no longer stand by the side lines and be an inactive host.
I would like to thank you all who have read this and I hope to see you all with smiles next we meet!!!!
Peaceout

::CLAPPING::

Good! Troubles come, troubles go..... Thank God!!!


Loey